More? Maybe? Who Knows…

There comes a point after the birth of your first child(ren) that people start asking.  When are you going to have another one?  Do you want more children?

I really should just learn to say, “Maybe, someday…” and leave it at that, but I can’t seem to just give a simple answer to what, for me, is a very complex question.  So here’s the complex answer…

Right now, my family feels very complete, though that doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind in the future.

I know that I don’t want to have fertility treatments again, so I’d be willing to try and get pregnant naturally if I knew I could.  But since I don’t have a crystal ball, well, that’s setting myself up for a lot of heartache that I’m just not sure I can handle.  If we decided to have more kids, I don’t think I could just let it go if it didn’t work…and that would mean more surgeries and treatment.  In addition to the emotional aspects of it, I’m just not sure I want to put the time and money towards it.

Adoption is another option, but that process is lengthy, expensive, and emotional as well.  Again, we may think about that route in the future, but right now my heart and my wallet can’t handle it.

It’s hard for me to think about growing my family because it would involve so much sacrifice for all four of us.  It would be hard to pay for dance lessons and preschool while paying for an IUI or IVF.  It would mean vacations get put on the back burner while we wait and hope for another child.  Please don’t get me wrong, I think another child would be worth all the sacrifice, but right now I have a hard time thinking about not giving everything I have to the two beautiful daughters I already have.

Part of me thinks that we made these fantastic little humans, and surely we should make some more to populate the earth.  Another part of me just feels so blessed to have two when so many are still waiting for one.  Asking if we want more just leads to more and more questions in my mind.  For right now, though, it’s not a pressing issue for us.

Right now, our family feels complete.  I feel whole and content with the two amazing, sweet, funny, goofy, ridiculous, and awesome daughters that I’ve been blessed to have.  I’m happy with where we are as a family, and I’m not looking to change that any time soon.  Though, I fully reserve the right to change my mind in the future.

Does that answer your question?

Comments

  1. TwinMamaTeb says:

    We agreed to discuss the issue when the twins go to kindergarten. We have 2 yrs left. I am in the same boat as you- very happy with the size of my family. We, as a couple, refuse to go through the agonizing IF treatments again, so who knows if it is even possible. A good old fashioned pregnancy scare helps make the decision for most people, for me a few months ago it only made it worse. Do we or don’t we? Ugh. Sorry I can’t be more helpful, lol!

  2. I totally respect that answer. I have never been in your shoes but I get that question all the darn time. We’ve got 2 girls (age 11 and 9) and folks ALWAYS ask if we’re “trying for a boy.” (Yes, even after all this time, they ask.) Honestly, no. Money and work demands – and spending time with the kids we’ve got, whom we feel so lucky to have – that trumps any yearning I might have. And I am fortunate to work with a crowd of young folks who let me snuggle their babies. And I get to give the baby back when it fusses – I’ve learned to appreciate that!

    I hope you continue on whatever path makes you and your family happy. That is what REALLY matters. 🙂

  3. Michelle Woo says:

    I’m already getting that question and the first kid isn’t even out yet.
    Whatever you decide, things will be great.

  4. You have one of the most beautiful families I’ve ever seen. 🙂

  5. All the money involved in fertility treatments would make it so much harder to make a decision like that. It’s hard enough to have the worries everyone has about having enough time/money/attention for the children you have plus one.

  6. Your answer sounds a lot like my answer. Having an only child was not part of my life plan, but neither was fertility struggles. In the end I have an amazing little miracle of a boy and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I can’t ask for anymore than that.

  7. It sounds like your at a comfortable point in life and you are content 🙂 That in itself is hard to reach for some, kids or not. Your girls are so sweet & blessed.

  8. Before Gavin, I used to tell inquiring minds we weren’t sure if we wanted children, because quite frankly, we weren’t. We put a lot of thought, weighed the pros and cons, and eventually decided to start a family; however, we never advertised it. Now, as people begin to ask about more little people in our family, I tell them we’re done having kids, because quite frankly, we are. But, I’m still open to expanding our family through the foster system or international adoption (though, my husband is more resistant). It’s interesting, but the minute you tell people you’re done manufacturing your own biological children, they stop asking questions, as if expanding your family in other ways isn’t legit.

  9. It is so complex, isn’t it? we’re even pursuing treatments and I stumble when answering this question, because nothing is a sure thing. And I crumble when I hear other mamas say with such confidence WHEN I have another child, when I am pregnant again, etc, etc!

    Ahh. Anyway, your little family is perfect. If / when you decide to pursue more, I will be here, cheering you on 🙂

  10. oops I commented from my old addy. this is me, now!

    It is so complex, isn’t it? we’re even pursuing treatments and I stumble when answering this question, because nothing is a sure thing. And I crumble when I hear other mamas say with such confidence WHEN I have another child, when I am pregnant again, etc, etc!

    Ahh. Anyway, your little family is perfect. If / when you decide to pursue more, I will be here, cheering you on

  11. Thanks so much for posting this. Our son is almost 4, so we’ve been getting that question for about 3 years now. The reason we haven’t tried for a second child is that, as of now, we aren’t ready. I’m not ready, my husband isn’t ready, our family isn’t ready. If we were to get surprise baby at some point, we’d be thrilled, but we’re just not at the point where we’re going to pursue it yet.

  12. Your answer actually gave me goosebumps to read…While I can’t personally know what it’s like to feel that way, I do in some ways…I can understand you not wanting to take anything away from your girls when it isn’t even guaranteed and there is so much heartache that can happen. I think your girls are absolutely amazing and I love your sweet little family. If one day you choose to have more then those will be some lucky kids to have you as a mom…I just know that whatever your decision it will be the right one for you and your family and people should respect that…you and only you knows what is best for your family. Sorry I rambled 🙂

  13. People are too nosey. I am BARELY pregnant and people are already asking how long we’ll wait til we start on #2. If I have my way, 1 will be all. 🙂 But I can’t say that aloud to those asking because then I get lectured about how having one kid is selfish and they’re going to be lonely. I want to say — but there are so many people who are dying to have JUST ONE. Are you going to tell them they’re being selfish because they don’t want to go through the fertility nightmare for a second??

    If you’re comfortable and happy, I would keep it out of your mind for now. Enjoy your family. 🙂

  14. OMG, really? I thought people would only inquire if you wanted more children after the first one, but since you already have two, isn’t that enough? 😉
    My Mom unfortunately knew she wasn’t able to have any more kids after my sister and I were born (it was a complicated pregnancy at it was), but I think to know that she already had two (she wanted two, albeit not necessarily at the same time ;)) she was very content.
    I understand your reasoning and it should be your decision alone.

  15. I can’t believe people ask this! Should that be between you and Ted? People are so silly sometimes. I love your answer =)

  16. I don’t really understand why people ask such personal questions, especially if they know your story at all (and frankly, even if they don’t). It’s not the same at all but in the last six weeks of marriage? TEN people have asked me when we are having kids. It’s a complicated answer for me, again, for a lot of different reasons, ones that only Knight knows and understands at this point, and it shocks me that people ask such personal questions sometimes. In other words, you answer it beautifully and more power to you for taking this head on!

  17. Wow, I could’ve written this Erin. Your post reflects so much of my own thoughts and feelings. J and I too feel our family is complete. We are grateful for our one miracle child. I do not want to put myself through any more fertility treatments ever again. I don’t want to devote any resources I have (time, money, emotional stability) away from parenting Sophie and I don’t want our family’s lifestyle to suffer or change by putting myself and all of us on that rollercoaster again. Like you, I sometimes look at Sophie and think-she’s so great, maybe we should’ve tried again. But mostly, I just feel grateful and blessed and happy. And I’m moving on to the next stage of life for us as a family. People ask, and it’s sometimes hard to know how to respond, but it’s really none of their business and anyone’s questions or judgments (particularly about having only children-when I mention I am one, that usually shuts them up! LOL) don’t really faze me much at this point. You and Ted and Charlotte and Evelyn are a beautiful family!

  18. Charlotte and Evelyn are so adorable! I think you have the perfect little nest right now, and you do have the right to change your mind in the future should you want to have more kids. Honestly, it bothers me when people ask questions like that. Even though it makes sense for them to ask, I also feel as though it’s intrusive, in a way, and maybe, just maybe, a tad bit on the rude-ish side. It reminds me of all the times people have asked what I’m going to do as an English major. I know the question is coming, I know it’s normal for people to wonder about and even makes sense that they would ask out of sheer curiosity and (hopefully) genuine interest into my thoughts, but it always feels intrusive. I know that’s not really the same thing as you being asked about more kids, but your post just reminded me of that awkward feeling you get when people ask those types of questions.

  19. Beautifully written.

    (Also: Geez, I’ve been so absent in blogland lately that HOLY PRETTY NEW LAYOUT! Love the look you have going on here, Erin!)

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